


Include me!

by hopefor46



Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Fictional Ad Reads (Crooked Media RPF), Getting Together, Humor, Negging As An Expression Of Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 13:14:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18851791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopefor46/pseuds/hopefor46
Summary: 5 times when an ad read was the easiest way to get jealous about your cofounder’s life...(and 1 time when you gave him just what he wanted).





	Include me!

1.

 

JON: As always, Pod Save America is brought to you by the Cash App.

TOMMY: It’s the easiest way to pay people back for…

LOVETT: Dinner!

JON: Oh, what kind of dinner?

LOVETT: Last night, a delicious falafel spread.

TOMMY: Sounds tasty.

LOVETT: Some hummus, some salads, some tahini…

JON: Quite an outlay.

LOVETT: With at least 2 pitas more than was strictly necessary, but they DID get consumed.

JON: Who’d you have dinner with?

LOVETT: No one you know.

TOMMY: We never get dinner.

LOVETT: ‘Cause we eat lunch all the time!

JON: Lunch, another meal you can pay people back for, with the Cash App.

 

2.

 

JON: Last but not least, Pod Save America is brought to you by the Cash App. We’re not using the other apps any more.

LOVETT: You don’t need ‘em! Just make sure one person actually buys the movie tickets before you get to the movie and discover that neither of you have the tickets.

TOMMY: Uh oh. 

LOVETT: And that’s how Brendan and I ended up at a midnight screening of “Avengers: Endgame,” which was _not_ our intention. 

TOMMY: Whoops.

JON: I still haven’t seen it.

TOMMY: Me either.

LOVETT: Well, you can go together! And pick out 2 seats that are the exact bro distance apart, and then pay each other back with the Cash App.

TOMMY: Are you going again?

LOVETT: Eh. It’s pretty long.

JON: Sure it is, when you start at midnight.

TOMMY: Plan ahead, and be rewarded for your foresight, with the Cash App.

JON: Do I need to go to the Arclight for that?

LOVETT: Have you even seen an Avengers movie?

JON: …I think so.

LOVETT: Oh, boy. At Jon Favs on Twitter, everybody.

 

3.

 

JON: …You know it, you love it: Pod Save America is brought to you by the Cash App.

LOVETT: The Cash App. The official app of game night.

TOMMY: What is game night?

LOVETT: For you, probably some sports affair. For me, a highlight of my week, when I have people over and we play some games.

JON: Sounds fun.

LOVETT: It is! Those settlers of Catan just won’t settle themselves.

JON: I see.

LOVETT: Your sarcasm is showing.

JON: No, I—

LOVETT: Anyway, some people bring games, some people bring food, some people bring beer, and when the settlers have settled—

TOMMY: He’s on a roll, people.

LOVETT: Don’t interrupt! We all settle up with the Cash App.

TOMMY: Is it hard to learn?

LOVETT: What?

TOMMY: That game.

LOVETT: I hazard to think you could pick it up if you wanted to.

TOMMY: You should teach it to us.

JON: Crooked Media game night!

LOVETT: Yeah, sure, okay.

JON: Don’t you want to? We did the Dodgers game and you complained.

LOVETT: Only because I ate enough nachos to feed an entire raiding party.

TOMMY: Is that a game night thing?

LOVETT: Oh, boy.

JON: Just saying, we could be more inclusive in our staff outings. Just say the word!

LOVETT: I’m going to take you all to see a Gilbert & Sullivan.

TOMMY: Ooh, which game did they make?

LOVETT: So unless your company’s paying for it, you can organize game night with—the Cash App. Phew! What an ad marathon.

JON: We should do a game night.

LOVETT: Oh, I thought that was just for the fans.

JON: The fans?

LOVETT: You know, like a running gag so they keep listening to the ads.

TOMMY: I always listen.

LOVETT: ‘Cause you don’t know how to skip ahead with your AirPods.

JON: You don’t?!

TOMMY: My stupid fingers are too big.

LOVETT: Well, I _could_ make a joke, but for once, I _won’t_.

 

 

4.

 

JON: And! Pod Save America is brought to you by the Cash App.

LOVETT: So you’ve heard all about my experiences with the Cash App, how Spencer and Brendan and I like to do an escape room—I’m pausing verbally here so the bros I work with can tell me how lame it is—

TOMMY: You never ask me if I want to go to an escape room.

LOVETT: What do you mean. You don’t even want to.

TOMMY: How do you know?

LOVETT: Because, isn’t there, like, a sports on? Some Boston team?

TOMMY: I got time.

JON: Me too.

LOVETT: Is this a bit? This is a bit, folks. They have no intention of actually doing it.

JON: I would.

LOVETT: Oh, come on.

TOMMY: We could try. 

LOVETT: So I dare these bros to come up with another story for the Cash App. After all, it IS the easiest way to pay people back. Jon?

JON: Uhhhh.

LOVETT: Great show prep. Tommy? Anything?

TOMMY: Well, this one time… I was traveling for work.

LOVETT: Sounds promising, continue.

TOMMY: And one time, I found out someone else was going to be in town. Someone I was in love with.

JON: Uh huh.

TOMMY: So I decided to buy her something nice. As a gift. But I sent it to her as a surprise—

LOVETT: Cool.

TOMMY: —because I had actually just murdered someone, and she was in town to catch me. So what I did was—

LOVETT: —This is just “Killing Eve,” isn’t it.

JON: Huh?

TOMMY: I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet!

LOVETT: Good for you, you watched a show.

TOMMY: But the whole time,  _she_ was in love with—

LOVETT: Are we done here? Cash App. I gotta go check on my writers. [door slam]

JON: I don’t even know what an escape room is.

TOMMY: Do you actually have to escape?

JON: It can’t be that hard.

TOMMY: We could totally handle it.

JON: If he would just ask.

TOMMY: Unless it’s airplane themed.

JON: Is that a thing? [TOMMY laughs] Oh fuck you, Tommy.

 

5.

 

LOVETT: Finally! Pod Save America is brought to you by the Cash App.

JON: You know it. You love it.

LOVETT: Sometimes you need it! Like when you go to dinner. Or when you go to the movies.

TOMMY: Those are things we could do with the Cash App.

LOVETT: Or when you go on a date with someone and you think it’s going really well, but at the end of the date, he asks you to split the check.

JON: What?

LOVETT: And you think he’s kidding, so you make a joke about it, like can’t I get you back next time? And then you know from the look on his face, which you can now _never_ forget, that there’s not going to _be_ a next time—

TOMMY: Oh no.

LOVETT: —But you don’t have cash on you to pay him back, because you thought the _concept_ of the date was going to last at _least_ long enough for one of you to pay, so instead you ask if you can pay him back on the Cash App.

JON: Tough luck.

LOVETT: But he doesn’t have it, so you have to use one of the other inferior apps, just so he’ll get out of your life. Anyway, download the Cash App. You’ll never know when you need to [laughs] get out of a date faster.

JON: It’s the Cash App.

LOVETT: We’re not dating the other apps any more. [TOMMY laughs] Hold on, Pundit has to go out. [door slam]

 

TOMMY: Do you think he’s really upset?

JON: I don’t know.

TOMMY: I’d never do that on a date.

JON: Me either.

TOMMY: Why’s he seeing these losers anyway.

JON: I don’t know.

TOMMY: If I… Never mind, it’s stupid.

JON: No, say it.

TOMMY: We could do better.

JON: You think he would let us? 

TOMMY: Only one way to find out.

JON: Let’s roll the tape. [louder] No, not you Corinne, we can handle this one. Thanks for all your hard work, gang.

 

+1.

 

LOVETT: And as always, Pod Save America is brought to you by: The Cash App.

JON: Go ahead…

TOMMY: No story this week, Lovett?

JON: Bashful, huh.

TOMMY: Cat got your tongue?

LOVETT: Well, I, uh…

TOMMY: Stop looking around for Elijah to bail you out.

JON: He’s so quiet today. Wonder why.

LOVETT: I hate you both.

TOMMY: No you don’t.

LOVETT: Fine! Okay, so I was at home one night, minding my own business…

JON: Actually, it was last night.

LOVETT: Do you want to tell this?

JON: Me? Oh no, I’m good.

LOVETT: I’m on the couch, minding my own business, thinking about ordering dinner. The doorbell rings. Who could it be?

TOMMY: Who was it?

LOVETT: It was my bros, Jon and Tommy! With games, and falafel, and beer, and—

JON: My Netflix login?

LOVETT: I already have one, but sure! And they all just came in and made themselves at home.

TOMMY: Sure did.

JON: Yup.

LOVETT: Like all that time, they were really paying attention.

JON: Mmm hmm.

LOVETT: And, uh, yeah. That’s all that needs to be said about that. 

TOMMY: Is he blushing?

LOVETT: The Cash App! It’s the easiest way to pay people back, or to find out what they’re into, I guess.

JON: New feature alert!

TOMMY: I thought that was what the other apps were for.

LOVETT: We’re NOT using the other apps any more.

JON: What about the escape room? [pause] What if I still want to do the escape room?

LOVETT: …Maybe tomorrow?  

TOMMY: Think we have some unfinished business in the house.

LOVETT: Could you be any less subtle?

TOMMY: Shut up, you love it.

ELIJAH [muffled]: Guys? Hey guys?... Can you at least finish the ad?

LOVETT: Cash App.


End file.
